Negative Consequences of Positive Expectations

Just as much as judgment, imprisons us in the past, positive expectations, can limit our ability, to live in the present.  When we create an expectation, our mind and emotions, become attached to the future outcome. We are no longer fully in the here and now, because part of us, is there, in the future, comparing what is, to our idea of what should be.  The trap about future thinking is this: The future, does not exist. Although it is true, that the potential for the future exists in the present moment, how this moment unfolds, is unknown. We may sense the tendency, we may know the historical trend, we may guess about the most logical consequences and make predictions, and yet, when we move into that future time, the result may be something very different, from what we envisioned. In fact, most of the time, the future does not conform to our expectations.      

Most of our expectations are not fulfilled, because they are based on an ideal, which is a construction of the mind, rather than reality.  Something other, than what we expect, may happen. It may be quite different or close, to what we expect, it may be even very close, to what we expect. But rarely, is it exactly what we want. Therefore, most of the time, when we have expectations, we will, to a greater, or lesser degree, be, disappointed.

When we are disappointed, we hurt. And when we Hurt, we Blame.

We Blame either others, or ourselves. When we blame others, we feel angry. When we blame ourselves, we may also feel Angry, thinking something like “How could I do this to myself!” Or, we may feel Insecure, thinking, “I must be no good, I am a fool, or something of that nature.   We may also feel Fearful, thinking, “It will never end. I will always ruin it for myself!”   And finally, we may think,

“Why did I do it, I shouldn’t have done it, it was not right”, causing a feeling of Guilt.

If we feel Anger, Insecurity, Fear, or Guilt within 1 to 24 hours, we will experience some form of physical tension, and/or an addictive craving, or the desire to engage in some habitual negative behavior. This entire cascade happens quickly, without our conscious awareness. We often become aware of it, only when the final stage of the process occurs, which are the symptoms.   

Below is a diagram illustrating the negative consequences of having positive expectations.

 As you can see, the final stage of this cascade is PHYSICAL TENSION AND/OR AN ADDICTIVE CRAVINGTO SUBSTANCE OR HABITUAL NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR. But this is usually, not the end result. Often, as soon as we recognize, that we are tense, have muscle pains, or are acting in some way, we wish, we would not, we begin to criticize ourselves, for being, where we are. We may think,   “How could I be so foolish?!? Look at me, I am 30, or 40, or 60 years old, and I am still driving myself crazy!” And here comes yet another expectation: I should be above this! I should be more evolved! And this makes us feel disappointed, so beginning another cycle.

Some people, after learning about this diagram, have said to me, “This is a story of my life”.  Can you relate to it?

You may want to pause, and think of a time, in which you held an unrealized expectation, that led to painful feelings and bodily symptoms.

We have discussed the harmful effects of having expectations. You might ask, though, “If we are not to have positive expectations, how do we plan our lives? How do we set and achieve our goals?”

         We do so, with clear intentions. An intention means, knowing where you want to go, or what you want to achieve, and then, doing the best you can, to accomplish it.  But in moving ahead, it is important to remember: ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AND DOES!

         So, we need to be attuned to constant changes and opportunities, that may present themselves, at any stage of our journey. We also need to let go of any fixed images, of what the final outcome might be, and be ready and willing to make necessary adjustments, as we move forward. Adjustments, not only in how we are moving toward our final destination, but also adjustments, in what we originally set, as our intention.        

Assignment

1. First week: Be aware of any physical tension or addictive craving that you may experience. And if you do experience such symptoms, follow the diagram to see if it brings you back to some strong emotion.  If it does, ask yourself, who are you blaming, what’s the hurt, what was the disappointment, and what was the expectation, which was at the root of it all? And as soon as you become aware of this expectation, say to yourself “This is a story. It has no relevance to my life, as it is.”  Refrain from judging. Just acknowledge. 

2. Second and third weeks: If, during the course of your day, you catch yourself dwelling on the future, repeatedly picturing how something will turn out, going over and over in your mind some expected outcome, simply say to yourself, “Here is, state your name, in a process of making up a story.”And go right back to whatever you were doing or thinking in the present moment. Remember do not judge, just notice.